Deliver Me
by xfreelifex
Summary: Summary of Olivia's thoughts leading up to the scene in Cragen's office. WARNING: Spoilers for Fault. Read at your own discretion. songfic, oneshot


**A/N: **I own nothing.

**A/N: **Major spoilers for Fault. But then again, if you're reading this, I think you've already seen it. :)

Song: Deliver Me

Artist: Sarah Brightman

She sat there in silence as his words washed over her. He – her partner – had just spoken the unthinkable, the untouchable, and in a way, the undeniable. She was in a state of loss. Her partner was more of a brother, more of a son, and more of a father than she could have ever had, had she any of the above. And he was walking away from her.

_Deliver me, out of my sadness._

_Deliver me, from all of the madness._

_Deliver me, courage to guide me._

_Deliver me, strength from inside me._

He was right. The death of the boy was partly her fault. The fact that they could save the girl was only a small consolation to the incredible losses she had sustained. He had chosen her over the job. If it hadn't been for her, the boy would still be alive. He had chosen her over the boy. That could never happen again.

_All of my life, I've been in hiding._

_Wishing there was someone just like you._

_Now that you're here, now that I've found you,_

_I know that you're the one to pull me through._

And then she had done it. The same thing. She had two opportunities to shoot Gitano and she hadn't taken any of them. Gitano was smart; he used shields – shields she could never bring herself to penetrate. The first time it had been the little girl. How could she shoot him with the girl over his heart? But the second time, it was him – her partner. The one man in her life she could never stand to lose.

_Deliver me, loving and caring._

_Deliver me, giving and sharing._

_Deliver me, the cross that I'm bearing._

The scene flashed before her eyes. Gitano, holding a gun to her partner. Her partner – telling her to do the unthinkable – shoot. She knew she had a risky shot, but she didn't do it. The stakes were too high. At first she could justify not shooting because she knew if Gitano died, they would never find the girl. But then the stakes changed. Gitano would never tell. He was a liar, and he would never divulge the information they needed. But she still couldn't shoot him. Why? Her partner.

They all knew he would die if she pulled the trigger. And she couldn't do it. Tears streamed down her face as she struggled to come to terms with her decision. Her partner had tears of his own cascading down his cheeks. She had never seen him cry before. The moment was incredible. They finally realized their true feeling for each other. How much had changed between them in the seven years of partnership, and how much they really cared. And how dangerous that was.

_All of my life, I've been in hiding._

_Wishing there was someone just like you._

_Now that you're here, now that I've found you,_

_I know that you're the one to pull me through._

She hadn't done it. She could never sacrifice her partner that way. And now she was sitting, contemplating her decision. Even if she looked deep inside herself, she knew she would never change what she had done. Given the chance, she would've done the same thing again. That's how much he meant to her.

But that's not right. It couldn't be. They could never put each other before the job again. What if the sniper hadn't shot and she'd be forced to make a decision on her own? What if Gitano had decided to run off and find the girl and kill her too before she could get there and stop him? She couldn't bear to live with that guilt. But she knew a guilt that would be stronger: the guilt that she was, in any way, involved in the death of her partner. And that, she was certain, would have happened if she had pulled the trigger.

_Deliver me_

_Deliver me,_

_Oh deliver me._

And that kind of action, she knew, could never happen. A partner is supposed to be the one you watch out for, the one that has your back; not the man who fall in love with. Her partner had been all of the above. How could they work like that? The truth was, they couldn't. She couldn't continue to freeze that way, when her partner's life became endangered. She had to be the one to put the perp before her partner, like neither one of them could do. He was right. No matter how hard the decision would be, she had to do it. For both of them. Their love for each other could not surpass the call of duty. And it had. Twice.

She knew what she had to do.

_All of my life, I've been in hiding._

_Wishing there was someone just like you._

_Now that you're here, now that I've found you,_

_I know that you're the one to pull me through._

She rose gently from her seat in the hospital waiting area and drove the familiar route to her precinct. Of all the things in life that she built her life upon, her stable partner was the one she never thought would fail her. It would be the certainty in the realm of chaos; the lighthouse in the storm; the invincible, the unbreakable. Now she knew it could be broken. Memories flashed before her eyes. Her partner had been the center of her world, whether she had realized it before now or not. Tears fell down her face again, and as they wet her cheeks, she was reminded again of the horrible scene from earlier that day. The memory brought tautness to her body, giving her armor. She knew she had to do it, even though it seemed impossible to do. She reached the precinct, and struggled to regain her composure. Carefully she turned off the engine, and walked inside. Her footsteps echoed dismally down the hallway. At the door of his office, she paused briefly, knowing her decision would be one she'd forever remember; one that would change the course of her life. She knocked and then opened the door.

The captain was sitting at his desk with a solemn expression on his elderly face. "Olivia, what can I do for you?"

_Deliver me._

_Oh deliver me._

_Won't you deliver me._

"I want a new partner."

**A/N: **Well...what do you guys think? I will be continuing Like Trees in November soon (expect an update Thursday or Friday); this is just a small break and a chance for me to get my after thoughts on Fault down on paper. Thanks for reading. Review!


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